Namaste to all,
Ajjax......great job.......
Today, when the world is in your bedroom through your computer monitor and men and women are sharing entire days in offices,
more people are becoming "friends" with each other. There is a very thin line between being friends and an "emotional affair"
and more often than not, the lines are blurred.
It happens pretty much the same way – you meet someone at work, you start chatting with a stranger on the Net,
or meet an old flame or friend, even get to know someone from a far-off land – find common interests
and perhaps even empathy and over time, you come "closer" to them.
In other words, you get "intimate" without necessarily getting physical.
Shared drinks and coffee-time after work, going shopping –
even if it's taking your "friend" shopping for their partner's
Valentine's Day gift – sharing fears, dreams and aspirations…
All fall under the category of "being friends" and yet, if you don't share the
same comfort levels with your partner and are in any way hiding your attachment to another, it's an emotional affair.
There is a rush in talking to the person and sharing your deepest thoughts and secrets and since
such an association does not come with the problems of a "real" relationship
– no fights, no bills to pay, no in-law trouble, no crying baby at night –
you begin feeling more comfortable with your "friend" than with your spouse or long-term partner.
Often such friendships have an element of sexual attraction too,
often not acknowledged by the people involved in it.
More often than not, people don't even acknowledge that they ARE having an affair.
The justification being: If it is not physical, it is not an affair.
However, an affair is all about secrecy and betrayal, where intimacies are shared
with an outsider than with your partner/spouse.
And yet, with 12-hour work shifts, more interaction with the world
and perhaps lesser time between couples to "talk", is it possible to not make friends with the opposite sex?
Healthy interactions between the opposite sex – coupled or single – are to be encouraged.
Yet, how does one differentiate when it's just friendship and when it is an affair?
It's all got to do with what you are sharing and what you are holding back.
Some basic pointers when differentiating between a healthy friendship and idea-exchange from an emotional affair:
1. Are you (or your spouse) keeping meetings and conversations on the sly?
2. Are you concealing how much time you spend together?
3. Are you turning to someone else for emotional needs?
4. Are you worried about getting "caught"?
If the answers those questions are 'yes', then your association has
crossed the realms of friendship and is an affair.
The biggest danger in emotional affairs comes from the fact that people are in denial they're having an affair:
They deny it to their partners and they deny it to themselves.
"But I didn't do anything", is a common refrain when questioned about such a "friendship".
As for the partner/spouse having to deal with another's emotional closeness to an outsider,
things only get worse with time. The partner/ spouse on the other starts feeling more uncomfortable
with your increased closeness to your friend. Often, partners/ spouses begin feeling "excluded" from
your life and find their position threatened.
It's natural for the other to feel so:
You get into a relationship or a marriage to have someone for life
and here you are sharing that part of your life with an outsider.
No one likes to feel like a substitute or made to feel they aren't doing enough or don't fulfill your needs.
Also the threat of an emotional affair culminating into a physical one is real.
As, "About half of such emotional involvements do eventually turn into full-blown affairs, sex and all."
Remember Neena Gupta's Saans:
Kanwaljeet's character starts out being friends with Manisha,
but things eventually did get physical and the Neena-Kanwaljeet marriage was on rocks.
For a long while – in the serial and in real life – people involved
in such an affair deny calling it so.
"But I didn't DO anything", being the common refrain.
And when people deny something exists, it becomes doubly tough getting them out of such an association.
For those who are interested in getting their relationship/marriage back,
the first step is acknowledging you ARE having an affair, albeit an emotional one.
After that, it is about treat an emotional affair it like a classic affair.
The only way to save your relationship/marriage is to break off all ties immediately.
You cannot "remain friends".
If it's a workplace affair, keep interactions strictly professional.
If it's an ex-flame, remember why they're an 'ex' in the first place and keep them there:
In your past.
If you feel your current relationship does not give you everything you want,
it's more prudent to either sit down and talk things out with your partner or
going to a relationship counselor to sort things out.
The idea is to channel your energies towards making your relationship/marriage work
rather than seeking out another who fills the lacuna.
What one has to remember is that people often forgive a sexual affair with another…
But the scars left by an emotional affair are far tougher to heal.
If at all you want your marriage/relationship to last, know how to preserve it.
Crying over spilt milk – or a broken marriage/relationship – later will not go good for anyone.
Tell us what you thought of this
valen event share your day plan...to all MHOians...
Sriram Savarkar
On 2/5/08, !!~* Ajjax *~!! * <ajjax12@gmail.com > wrote:
--
Sriram Savarkar
Hinduism is more a way of life than a method of worship.
Dharmo Rakshati Rakshithaha
If you protect Dharma, Dharma will in turn protect you
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